Making a Door Through a Brick Wall

 In March, I was cleared to swim 3x a week instead of 2 woo!! So my first meet was at Seniors in the beginning of March and wasn't expecting anything dramatic to happen, but I dropped 20 seconds in all 3 events I swum compared to my last meet in November! It was a great weekend because I had no expectations or times I wanted to get and I was with my coaches and teammates...oh...it was my birthday too :)

So taking another step in the right direction, I started to train an extra day. Instead of being a minute off of my times in November/December I got around to being 5 seconds off in practice. The last time I was able to get those times was in July so needless to say I was happy. I had a really big meet coming up in the beginning of April in Minnesota for spring nationals. I knew that this was a selection meet for 2 international teams, but I knew it would be a long shot of me making one with the condition of my arm; however, anything could happen so I didn't cross that situation out of my mind. I also knew that I was doing a lot better (now in the middle of March) and keeping really positive about things, but in the back of my mind I had expectations of doing very well and racing like I wasn't injured; like everything I've gone through in the past 9 months would magically go away. See, I wanted to block out of my mind that I was injured in hopes that I would swim even better than I did at Seniors. I wanted my hard work to show. Obviously trying to make something disappear or ignoring a situation will not make anything better.

I felt really good on the flight to MN. My cousin, Nicolle, came on the trip, so she helped get my mind off of thinking about races. Everything was going well when we landed and got in, but the next day I woke up with tremendous pain in my neck shooting down into my arm. I wasn't in tip-top shape when I left as the day before I was lying on the couch in pain, icing it, and taking medication. I did think to myself why I should be going to this meet if I'm not feeling great and I realized that I wanted motivation to get better; that my goal was to be motivated to get out of this "funk". So, when I got up that first morning in MN, I iced and stretched and had some fun the rest of the day.

The meet started on Thursday with prelims and finals. I registered for 3 events, 50 free and back on Friday and 100 free on Saturday. Prelims were first in the morning 50 back was first; I was pumped and in a good mood. I thought I swam really fast and I felt good in the water; however, my time was 20 seconds off. It took me by surprise, but tried not to analyze my race on thinking what went wrong. I still was pretty bumbed, but tried to forget about it to swim the 50 free. Again, 20 seconds off. Wow, I guess it just wasn't my morning. I was in a pretty low mood, but Nicolle really cheered me up and also some of my friends on deck. I knew this was going on because of my injury...so I went back to the hotel, slept, iced, ate, and went back for finals. I felt a bit better and it showed as I dropped 6 seconds for the 50 free.

The next morning I swam the 100 and just took it easy. I didn't want to make my arm to feel any worse than it already did. I was in pain. I was already icing and taking ibuprofen. The only thing I could do was have fun and stick it out until I got home to see my physical therapist. I had a goal that morning to swim under a time I did in 2008 and I went a second under, so I did what I went out to accomplish. That afternoon things had gotten a bit worse. I still was in pain since the morning and my arm was going numb; it obviously felt fatigued. So I slept and iced again.

That night I didn't warm up for finals. I didn't want to aggravate my arm anymore. I sat next to a table and elevated my arm on my towels, but it still was throbbing. How am I going to swim when I feel like this? Then, I started to think I could just swim with 1 arm, it's just a 100 right? Swimming with 1 arm would take me about 6 minutes though...what's the point? Then, I finally snapped out of it, what was I thinking, why would I put myself through that for a race? It's just 1 race, just 1 swim meet and this is my health, there's no comparison.

So, a heat before I was about to race I scratched. I've never scratched out before as I've always been the one to push myself past my limits. At first I was pretty upset and wanted to take my swim bag and leave, but I passed by some friends I hadn't seen in a while and started to catch up with them. I started to enjoy myself and actually wanted to stay and see the other races. While watching other heats of the 100s I realized how proud I was for realizing the fine line between pushing myself and growing to pushing myself and hurting.

Yah, I didn't have the best meet, but it is what it is...and it's just one meet. I did my best at that time, no matter how corny that sounds. I grew as an athlete and I didn't give up on myself. I had my friends and family around me and I did have fun.

When I got back and saw my therapist he said my injury flared up on the flight due to the seats. At least I know the cause now and fortunately I'm not flying anytime soon.

It's now May and I haven't swam since that meet. I've been rehabbing more, cross training, and to stay in shape using a running belt in the water. Things are definitely improving. I can do more things now with no pain. Hopefully I'll be cleared to swim next week, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I titled this entry as "making a door through a brick wall" because of the challenges I've faced with a nerve injury for the past 9 months. Another challenge comes along like a flare up which makes it a bit harder for me to get where I want to go; however, I see my progress. I see the tiny things I wasn't able to do which I can slowly start doing. Those are the little things making my door, in addition to being positive and seeing that just by doing the things I love, I'm not giving up. Swimming is teaching me more about life lessons than about the sport. I know I will look back on these situations and realize that on my weakest day, days, or months, no matter what happens, I'm still getting stronger.